My Journey So Far...

My Life in Transition

2011-06-08T11:43:00.000-04:00

So, in the next month, these things will be happening to me - my son Chad is getting married, my other son Brendan is leaving for the Army and my daughter Erin will be learning how to drive. A lot of transitions in my life upcoming.

Change is so much a part of everyone's life. And my life will have many changes in the next month, all for the better. Chad is marrying his soulmate Jillian on June 30th and I am very excited. Brendan is leaving for Ft Benning on July 18th and I am so proud of him. And Erin will be my last to learn how to drive and I am very nervous about that :)

Amn I really old enough to be the mother of a newlywed, a soldier and a new driver?

They Shall Call Him Blessed

2011-05-02T08:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Pope John Paul II was beatified and will now be known as Blessed John Paul II. Whya does this matter? Because it puts him one step closer to sainthood.

John Paul II is very important in my faith life. It was him that got me to return to the Catholic Church after 20 years away. It was his last moments of suffering on this earth that brought me back to the church and to God. I owe him my spiritual life.

Now, in my own physical suffering that causes me so much pain, I can pray to Blessed John Paul II to intercede with God for my suffering, not to make it go away, but for the graces to accept it and use it for others' welfare. Offering my pain for others is the way that I get through the hard times and there are many of those.

Seeing the 2 million people at St Peter's yesterday and knowing that millions more were watching on TV or online confirms my feelings that John Paul was a saint that walked among regular people. He will be canonized someday. He was an amazing person that God graced our world with.

And his feast day will be on October 22 - my wedding anniversary day. Wow.

Blessed John Paul II, you taught others to suffer with grace and dignity. Help me to do the same in Jesus' name. Amen

Why is it so hard to forgive?

2011-04-15T20:00:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a year since Fr Jack betrayed me and it still hurts. I have such a hard time forgiving him like Jesus commanded us to do. I still can't understand why God allowed this all to happen. I was being selfless and offering my physical pain for his Priesthood and he just threw it back in my face. He basically called me a liar claiming that I was not offering my pain for him.

I am still so hurt by it all.

But it is Lent and I am called to forgive and sacrifice. I am hoping that by going to confession, I can finally put this pain behind me.Only God's great mercy for me can help me to heal.

Lord, help me to truly forgive Jack and allow me to get past this painful episode in my life. Let Your will be done,

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

2011-03-29T09:32:00.001-04:00

The other day, I went to a retreat with my second grade CCD class about Communion. One of the Deacons there stood up and told a story about how Jesus appeared to him after much praying on a certain area of his life.

My first impression - it always sounds a little crazy.

But my second reaction was - I am a little jealous of him.

I wish that I could have that kind of experience with Jesus or God but it hasn't happened for me and probably won't in the future. But, if I am secure in my faith, I don't need that "proof". I live by faith and not by sight.

So, I will continue to pray, read Scriptures, attend Mass and teach my precious second graders. I will listen for God's will in my life and be so greatful for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me.

God is with me always, even when I don't feel His presence. I don't need Him to appear. But if He ever did, I would only be able to say one thing -Thank You.

Snow

2011-01-11T15:55:00.002-05:00

It's supposed to snow tonight about 4-8 inches. While most people get nervous and see it as an inconvenience, I see it as God's way of slowing everyone down. We all need a break at points and God is there to provide us with an opportunity to just stop and enjoy the beauty of nature. Snow quiets everyone down. It makes our landscapes beautiful.

Thanks be to God for His gift of snow. Enjoy the beauty that He has provided for our pleasure.

Inspiration

2011-01-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine is taking a year off to go overseas to help people in need. Rich is quite an inspiration to us all. I wish I had the resources to do such a thing. It is truly amazing in this age we live in to see someone who truly cares for others. Rich is definitely living by God's Golden Rule. He is helping his neighbors in need.

May God be with Rich in this rewarding adventure.

2011

2011-01-06T09:17:00.003-05:00

Has it really been 6 months since I posted? My bad!

2010 was a difficult year on many fronts, but I am glad that I went through all the hardships. Through it all, God was always there. Everything has a way of working itself out if you put your trust in God. Not only did He give me life, He gave me everything important in my life. My family, friends, pets, job, house, food, clothing, music, sports, and church. Not only does God love me, He gives me everything and He solves all my problems for me if I just allow it.

May 2011 be a good year for everyone and I thank God so much for all the gifts He has given to me. He is truly wonderful and merciful toward me.

Food for Thought

2010-07-04T17:06:00.001-04:00

As I was shopping in the supermarket yesterday for the Fourth of July, it struck me how much we all think about food. The store was packed with people getting that last package of hot dogs, rolls, or burgers. The potato chips were flying out the door and it seemed like you couldn't get any ice in the whole county.

Food - it is such a part of our lives, especially at holiday time. At Thanksgiving, the turkey with all the trimmings makes our mouths water all day long as we take in all the smells. Christmastime wouldn't be the same with sweets, cookies and egg nog. Memorial Day and the Fourth of July mean barbecue with family and friends.

Food is part of our cultures as well. Each culture has a speciality of food and drink and usually a festival or two. We all love to eat!

So, you may ask, what is my favorite food? My favorite is the One I receive each Sunday at Mass. The body and blood of Jesus at Holy Communion each week is the only food that sustains me through my life. It is the food of life,of love, and of eternity. Sure, I love burgers, turkey and potato chips too. But the food that God gives us in Communion is the only food I need to live. It is the food that I need for everlasting life. I need Jesus every week at Mass to nourish my soul and help me to grow in faith.

Let me tell you all - I love to eat! But the food I receive each time I go to Mass is really the only food I will ever need. Thank you Lord for the food I eat while on earth and thank you Jesus for the food that I need to get to Heaven.

A shock to the system

2010-07-01T14:47:00.001-04:00

So, as you all know, I have written many times over the past few years about my friend Fr Jack. He was so instrumental in getting me back to Mass and the Catholic faith. I prayed for him, supported him and even sent him money when he needed it.

Then, about a year ago, things changed. He went on a retreat and was asked to leave because he didn't agree with the Church's teachings. He was on a leave of absence and fell into a group of people who practice paranormal things. Then he sent me terrible e-mails when I questioned why he was doing unusual things. We actually broke off all communications.

I saw on his Facebook page that he changed his profile picture - to one of him and his wife! He is dressed in a tuxedo and she in a wedding gown. I was to say the least, shocked.

I am actually happy that he has found the love and peace that he so desperately needed. But, to leave the priesthood to get it? He was such an amazing priest, so holy and spiritual and everyone around him knew he was destined to save a lot of souls.

And now, his soul needs saving.

I am not one to judge anyone - God will take care of that. I just feel so sorry that he has lost his spiritual way.

I will always be in his debt for what he did for me and I will continue to pray for him.

A Book Suggestion

2010-06-14T08:17:00.000-04:00

The book "Finding God's WIll For You" by St Francis de Sales was a wonderful book for anyone who is trying to discern God's will. Although it was written long ago, I found the language to be easy to understand. Once I understood the concepts, it really made me look at my life in a different way. It's God's will,not mine, that needs to be lived out every day. I found the author to be clear and gave many examples from Scripture to back up his writings. The book at first looked like a long read, but once I started it, I couldn't put it down. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to know how to look for God in their everyday life. God is there for you; you just need to listen for His word and look for His presence each day.

Life...going by

2010-06-09T16:05:00.002-04:00

I haven't written in a while...sorry about that. I just didn't know what to write about.

Life has a way of going past you. You live in the day to day moments and before you know it, another year has passed. With life, that's how it goes. But this year has been a stressful one on many fronts.

My son had a difficult year full of heartache, mixed up friendships, and growing up. At 20, he wants to be an adult without the responsibilities. My husband and I are trying to teach him that he needs to grow up and take responsibilities for his actions and his choices in life, including friends and career.

A car accident set him straight for a while. Another small brush with the law has him thinking again. It's so hard as a parent to let him make those choices and let him fail at times. But he knows we are always there for him whenever he needs us. He needs to grow up.

Whatever he decides, I am there with him.

I wouldn't want to be growing up in these times for anything. Life is really complicated in this modern age. And technology doesn't help. It makes it easier at times to do the wrong things. I just hope he learns in time. I think he will - he's a good soul.

Lord, help me to be patient and forgiving, full of mercy as You are for me.

From the mouths of babes

2010-04-22T20:34:00.002-04:00

I teach second grade CCD and just love it. This year, my class is filled with many great kids, full of excitement and wonder and really excited about receiving their first Holy Communion next weekend. And it helps me as well with my faith journey.

When I see the class make their sacraments, it makes me feel better about my relationship with God. God has chosen me at this time to teach CCD and although it's a lot of work at times, it is well worth it.

God will always give me the strength to teach with passion and patience. I really love to spread my Catholic faith with others. I just feel so blessed.

Giving Up Something for Lent

2010-03-31T15:35:00.002-04:00

Lent is almost over and I did the obligatory thing - gave up something for Lent. This year, it was chocolate and candy. Silly when you think about it since Jesus gave His life for my sins and all I could do was give up chocolate.

Why do we "give up" something for Lent? Is it meaningless to sacrifice something so trivial? No, it's a question of will power and sacrifice in general. God doesn't care if I eat a candy bar during Lent. But He does care that I am trying to live my life according to His word.

During Lent, the Passion of our Savior is the central theme. His great willingness to sacrifice His very life for my transgressions is what I am focused upon.

In a few days, I will again be able to eat Reese's cups and eat Yodels. But will I? I don't know. I think this year, the small sacrifices I have made during Lent have changed me. I really don't miss what I gave up. And health-wise, it is better for me anyway.

For Easter, I will think about Jesus rising for me so I can have eternal life with Him someday. When I think about the enormity of it all, it is more than a mere human can comprehend. Jesus loves me no matter what I do to screw it up.

Lord, I thank You for Your great love and compassion for me. Your mercy for me is great and I am so blessed. Continue to bless me and keep me on the right path. Let me sacrifice more for others in Your spirit. Amen.

Happy Easter everyone !

Weight is just a number

2010-03-25T14:10:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been almost a year since I decided to get myself in better shape. I was over 200 pounds and felt that it was just too heavy. I joined a gym and tried to eat a little better, although my Reese's peanut butter cups were still on my menu!

Well, at the doctor's this week , I weighed in at 191 - 23 pounds lighter than my original weight. It made me feel so good to know that I was actually doing something that was good for me. And I learned to really enjoy my time at the gym. I look forward to it and even work with a trainer to help me along.

Now, my clothes fit better - I need new clothes since my size 22's don't fit anymore! It has just brightened my whole mood and attitude on things. I would like to lose about 5 or 6 more pounds and get into the 180's but if I stay where I am currently, I will be happy.

Weight like age is only a number. It's nice to feel that I have accomplished something that in the long run will have positive effects on my health and my life. Now, if I can just stay away from the Easter candy!

A Friendship Ended

2010-02-22T14:12:00.004-05:00

This past weekend, I aburptly saw the end to a friendship that I thought would always last and all over a minor misunderstanding.

I had been supporting my priest friend for years now, always praying for him, sacrificing and also sending him money when he needed it. I recently heard that some of the money went to purchasing a car and a new expensive cell phone for him. I was startled to hear it and actually inquired through an organization that is also assisting him. They in turn forwarded my inquiry onto Father ( which they shouldn't have - it should have been kept in confidence). It turns out I was mistaken and did not have all the facts in the matter.

Well, Father got upset about it and sent me a scathing, mean spirited and very hurtful e-mail calling me a betrayer. I was so shocked by this. When I responded, he again said I had betrayed him and would not even accept my apology( even though I didn't feel that I did anything wrong). I again responded with an apology which he again rejected.

Then I started to think about it.

Father was there for me at a time years ago when I needed to rediscover my Catholic faith. And I will always be grateful to him for that. But, I spent too much time needing his approval on my life and not enough time seeking God's approval. Yes, he provided me with encouragement and guidance but I did the same for him. And now it is time to step back from this friendship and move on.

If he is not willing to forgive me, then I guess our friendship wasn't what I built it up to be. If the situation had been reversed, I would have forgiven him at the first mention of an apology. And I was tired of begging for forgiveness from someone who obviously was not open to it and was not acting at all like a Christian priest should be.

God puts people in your life at certain times to guide you , and then just as quickly, He takes them out. So, I move forward knowing that God is with me and that I will carry on just fine. And now that the sting has worn off a little, I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to earn his approval as being a holy person: I have God's love and approval already.

The painful parts of our lives move us into a closer relationship with Our Lord and God. So, Lord, thank you for putting Father in my life when I needed him and thank you for moving me forward now with Your grace and blessings. I wish Father well but I can carry on without him, knowing that I have God and don't need anyone's acceptance to do the Lord's work.

My Lenten Sacrifice

2010-02-16T15:08:00.002-05:00

Everyone thinks at this time of year about what they are going to give up for Lent. Yes, I will again give up candy ( especially my beloved Reese's Cups!) and believe me, that is truly a sacrifice. But this year, I am going to try during Lent to improve on my behavior. I am going to try to be more patient, more compassionate, more giving and more sacrificial. There are things in my life that are annoying at times and I will be more accepting of these small crosses in my life.

I have many trials in my life, especially my constant pain battles. But God wants me to suffer like Christ to make me more like Christ. My small insignificant cross can't even compare to His sacrifice for me on The Cross.

When I receive my ashes tomorrow, I am going to truly dedicate my Lent to Christ. I will repent of my selfish ways and give myself totally to Him. And of course, Reconciliation will be a big part of my Lenten Journey. Please, go to Confession when you get the chance especially in Lent -it is a marvelous healing!

Lent 2010 -I am going to make it a special season of sacrifice but only with the Lord's help.

Lord, be with me during Lent and help me to become the person You want me to be. I am in Your hands, my Lord and Savior.

Finding Peace in a Hectic World

2010-01-29T15:26:00.002-05:00

I have been running a lot lately. Here is my typical day:

get up at 6, get my kids off to school, go to work in a high pressure job, come home at lunch to tend to my disabled husband, go back to work, come home, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc, cook occasionally, take my daughter places, go to the gym, then go to bed and get up and do it all over again.

Where is my peace? It's in God. I always take the time to read the Scriptures every morning and every evening before bed. I make time to pray, even if it's only for a few minutes a day. I make time for God.

My day as you can tell is overloaded - where do I find the time? I don't know; I just do. I can make time for my Lord and God because He will make sure that I get through each hectic stressful day. And if I do my best, I am pleasing Him.

Lord, you are my Peace. Help me in my hectic world to stop and always have time for You.

Conflicted Feelings

2010-01-07T15:47:00.001-05:00

I have a lot of conflicted feelings. At work, I actually like what I do, but I hate the high stress/high pressure of it all. I am the type that puts out fires for everyone else. It’s either a situation of not knowing or a situation of not planning ahead.

I work with some people that do not have the work ethic that I do. And I resent it. No, I am not perfect. But I think that if you are getting paid to do a job, you should try to the best of your ability to do just that. There are many who just do nothing or make it appear that they are working and are not. And there are those that just think they are ” too important” to do some tasks. So, I really resent it.

At home, I am always needed because my husband is disabled and needs help and the kids always need help. So, my stress at home is high at well.

My confliction is this – should I do as God wants me to and turn the other cheek, or is it wrong to feel stressed and pressured?

I have to believe that no matter what I am feeling, God is with me. He will get me through the situation even when I am stressed. He always gives me whatever graces I need to come through it OK.

So, God, be with me now. Help me to not feel so pressures by this world and to live to get to Your world.

The Blessing of Music

2009-12-14T09:05:00.002-05:00

Did you ever have a moment in your life when things are not going well for you. And then all of a sudden, you hear a beautiful song. Boy, does that change your mood!

As I was listening to Christmas music, I realized what a gift music is to us. God provides us with the melodies of our lives. A certain song can bring back happy or sad memories. It can pump us up for the big game or remind us of a certain person or place.

Music is truly a gift from God. He gives us performers who share their God given talents with us. When you hear that certain song, you are transformed and at times, are filled with joy. The Lord wants us to live in His joy and music is just one way to get there.

Lord, thank you for the music you provide to us to make us happy and joyful. You are the true melody of my life

The Wonders of Confession

2009-12-01T08:41:00.000-05:00

Lately , I have had a lot going on in my life and just feel overwhelmed. I know everyone has felt this way in their lives. And it's at these times in the past when I would pray to God and know that He would help me in the struggle.

But I have not felt His presence at all lately. I just don't feel it.

I read the Magnificant magazine every morning and evening with the Scripture passages for the day. But these past few weeks, the words have seemed empty. I don't get any meaning from them and I don't feel that God is with me. Why has He abandoned me in my time of need?

I went a few days purposely avoiding all things Catholic. I didn't read, didn't pray, didn't watch Mass. I fought with myself to stay away from the things of my faith. Obviously, that didn't work.

What did work for me was going to Confession.

I went to Confession on Saturday and just told the priest all that I was feeling and not feeling. He was so compassionate with me. He told me that in these spiritual dryness periods, I have to pray harder still even if I didn't "feel" God's presence. That is so hard to do, isn't it?

I felt so much better after Confession and so relieved. I started to pray and read again and now the Scriptures are making more sense to me. I still don't feel God's presence, but I know I am on the right track again. Hopefully soon I will know that God is with me. God is always present; it is we who choose to be detached from Him.

In this season of Advent, take the time between shopping and socializing to thank God for the wonderful sacrament of Confession. Go to Confession and it will truly prepare you for the coming of Our Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if you don't feel God, He is there with you today and always.

Where is God?

2009-11-19T10:17:00.003-05:00

I have been going through a rough patch personally over the past month or so. I have always been able to pray to God and just ask Him to get me through it and for His Will to be done in all cases. But, yesterday, something disturbing happened. I lost my faith.

It all of a sudden hit me - where is God in my time of need? I pray to Him every day to help me but feel nothing. Then I started thinking about my faith. Why do I love God? I just don't know.

God, I have lost my faith in You. Help me to get it back.

The Peace of Christ

2009-10-28T15:40:00.002-04:00

In my hectic life, especially lately, all I want is some peace. Just quiet and peace so I can even think. Where can I look for that peace that I desperately need?

I look to Christ.

It is in Christ that all things are possible. It is in Him that peace is found. God's peace is the answer - I need not look anywhere else. But, I can't seem to find His presence in my life. Where is God?

He is here with me, even when I don't feel it. He is at my side when I am tired and stressed. He is in my heart when I ache and mourn. He is here.

Christ, let Your peace envelope my soul. Let me replace the weariness and stress with your love and peace. Lord, I am yours. Do with me according to Your will.

If I can just surrender my life in earnest to God, He will take care of all things. I will get that peace that I need so badly. He is my light and salvation and my peace.

Lord, fill me with Your peace. Let me rest in You.

Spent

2009-10-27T14:22:00.002-04:00

I am spent. I have nothing left to give.

Lately, my life has been chaotic to say the least. I work at a demanding job where I bail people out all day long from jams, get them information that they don't feel like getting, and get involved in situations that have nothing to do with me. Whenever someone comes to see me, it results in more work for me. And I work with someone who does nothing to help me.

At home, my husband is disabled and spends a lot of each day talking about his pain. While I sympathize with him, I don't really want to hear it all the time. I have my own physical pain issues - do you hear me complaining all day? No, I don't say anything most of the time. And when I do mention it, nothing. No reaction, no sympathy, nothing. Ugh!

Yesterday, I got to the point when I said "That's it! I am out of energy and out of answers". I am spent.

I even sent my boss an e-mail telling him that I needed some space and got no reaction from him. Ugh again!

I am tired of helping people all day long and getting nothing in return. I am tired. I am stressed. I am spent.

The grip of addiction

2009-10-22T08:51:00.002-04:00

Recently, I have been dealing with a loved one who is in the grip of addiction. It was just marijuana at first and now it's other things. I am so worried for his life and his future. He is such a good person but is very passive and tends to be a follower. He is painfully shy and just wants to be accepted.

As much as I have talked with him, there is really nothing I can do for him. I can be there to support him with my prayers and love. But, he needs to figure it out. And I think he will in time. He is too smart not to.

I have never been through a time like this and I am scared. I am petrified. I don't know why God is allowing this to happen, but it must be in His plan for me and for my friend. So, God, please watch over us both. Grant me the patience and courage to say and do what needs to be done and the compassion to be supportive. Help my friend to see that drugs is not the answer and that he can still be happy without them.

Amen.

Helpless

2009-10-14T11:42:00.002-04:00

I hate feeling helpless.

I have a friend who is going through a rough time and the hardest part about it is that I can do nothing for him. He will find out this week about his future and it's really scary on a lot of fronts. What does he do if he loses his job especially in these times?

I feel powerless to help him and all I can do is pray to the One who has power over all. I have been praying very hard for my friend in the hopes that God will be with him and guide him, even if that means finding a new vocation. God controls everything anyway - it's all in His timing and plan.

Yes, I hate feeling helpless to assist those I care about. But hopefully, with my prayers helping in some way, my friend will be fine.

God, help all those who are crying out to you . Be their comfort and reason for hope.
In Jesus' name. Amen.

Forgiveness

2009-09-26T20:35:00.003-04:00

When do you forgive and when do you hold a grudge?

Jesus said that you are to forgive seven times seventy times. You are to turn the other cheek and forgive as Christ would forgive you.

But, how practical is that in today's world?

There is someone in my life that has a very overbearing personality. The reaction I get is always anger first, understanding afterwards. I have known this person for over 30 years and over that time, I have been called every name in the book including some that are not very complimentary. In fact, most people would have dropped this person years ago.

The other day, I was again called a very derogatory name for no reason and it was at a very stressful time for me. It was the last straw. I just can't take the hurt anymore even though I know in my heart that it wasn't really meant.

Am I to forgive?

It is in these moments of hurt and pain that I should remember that Christ forgives me no matter what I do. He loves me unconditionally and always forgives me if I am truly sorry. If I say something that I don't really mean, Jesus forgives me. He knows me and knows that I am a flawed human being. So, I need to remember that in dealing with this person in my life. I need to forgive.

Christ, give me the strength to forgive this person. Heal my hurting heart and help me to get past this yet again and forgive. Be with me and this person. Don't let my feeling dictate how I treat others. Let me see in the example of Christ's love for me how to in turn love and forgive others.

In Christ's name I pray. Amen

The Example of Job

2009-09-22T20:58:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have had a lot on my plate and more was piled on this week. My son is having an issue with so-called “friends” that are leading him down a bad path. My husband has recently been having problems accepting his disability that he has had for about 2 years now. He is now retired and on certain days, he can’t accept that he can’t do as much as he used to. And that it all falls on me now to do for him.

I can’t do much more than I am now. How much more does God expect me to handle? I just can’t do it.

No, I can’t, but with God, I can do all things. And it is in these times that I think about Job. He was an amazing person. He suffered so much loss and personal pain, yet he continued to believe in God and His mercy for him. What an incredible example of holiness for me to follow!

But, can I be that holy? Yes, because everyone is called to holiness by God. Maybe I won’t suffer the personal losses that Job did, but I can try to accept what God has put in my life presently.

It is extremely difficult for me on a daily basis to do all the things that I am responsible for due to the current situation. I do it because I have to, but there are many days when I just hate the way my life is right now. And I am not shy in telling God exactly how I feel about things because I know He cares ( and He knows anyway!).

I pray and talk to God regularly in the hopes that my relationship with Him will grow each day. And Job is someone that can guide me and make me have hope when all seems hopeless. Job had great faith in God and His plan for his life. And Job was rewarded for his faith and patience. I want God to know that I am trying the best that I can to do what He wants me to do. And if it means that I have to have a hectic life right now, so be it. God is with me in all things. God wants me to succeed and if I have the patience and faith of Job, God will provide for me.

Lord, thank you for the great example of Job for my life. Let me always remember that You are with me in all things. Lord, You are my reason for living and I thank You for Your mercy and compassion for me, a weak imperfect human being. I surrender my life, problems, happiness, success, failures, joys, sorrow and suffering to You.

Lord, You are my reason for living. Let me live my life according to Your Will.

How About Me?

2009-09-16T09:09:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have been feeling really stressed and that no one cares about my struggles. My husband talks every day about his pains and how he feels , but when I try to tell him about my pain, he continues on with his story. It's not that he doesn't care; it's just that I think he feels his situation is worse than mine. And in some ways, it is. But, I have feelings too.

My physical pain is hard to describe to others. I can't explain how much it actually hurts every second of every day. I try to keep busy so it doesn't interfere with my daily routines, but it does. I wish that once, just once, I got a sympathetic reaction to my suffering from someone, anyone. I just want anyone to know that I exist and that I am in pain. Pain!

God knows what I am going through and He is always with me in my suffering and daily struggle. I know that. But again, I wish I felt His presence in all of this. There is a reason that I am suffering that is known only to God. I don't want to let God down by not accepting this cross and carrying it. And I worry about that. I know I have to carry my cross in order to attain Heaven some day. I am doing a terrible job presently at that.

Everyone puts demands on me all day long. I get up at 6am so I can wake my daughter up for school. I make coffee for my husband and walk the dogs for my daughter. I take my son to college since he doesn't presently have a car. I go to a highly demanding job where others depend on me as well all day long, not just in my department, but campus-wide. I come home for lunch every day just because my husband expects me to. After work, I do the errands, shopping, laundry and running around that my husband can't do, even though he is home all day long! I teach CCD and go to church meetings once in a while. And, I even squeeze in some hours at the gym when I can, but that is also becoming hard to do.

Stop the world! I want to get off!

I need more "me" time. I do go to the gym but it's getting to be yet another thing I have to do. I need to get back to the gym being for me and the enjoyment of it. Lately, I have not felt that way. Even when I take a break and watch a game, my daughter is always at my side, wanting to talk or play. I love her dearly but I need the alone time.

Lord, I know you are aware of my struggles. Help me to be more compassionate and generous even though my time is limited at the present moment. I want to live for You and serve others. Help me with my physical pain and let me suffer for You. Amen.

A Hard Life Lesson...

2009-09-02T14:03:00.001-04:00

I learned a hard life lesson today. Even when you think you know someone well, you just never know.

When I was hurting, God sent 2 people into my life to comfort me. I will not use their real names here – let’s just call them A (mother) and B (her daughter). They were very nice to me and prayed for and with me and just made me feel a lot better about my stage in life at that time. They seemed very “religious”, especially B who has some medical issues and seemed to pray often for me and others.

Over the course of about 3 years, we have kept in touch although they don’t attend my church anymore. We would call, e-mail , send cards, etc. Everything was fine.

We also had a person in common who we were friends with and meant a lot to us, a priest friend who is an amazing, holy priest. We would ask each other on occasion “Have you heard from Father lately?” and keep each other abreast of his situation.

Well, this week, the friendship all fell apart.

Our priest friend is on leave of absence and has been called by God to a special mission in the area of exorcism. He has been counseling a woman who claims to be possessed and has decided that he wants to pursue this avenue of the priesthood more. He truly feels called by God to do this and I support him 100%, even though to some it sounds a little crazy.

I am in contact with Father quite often and B is not. I really think she is jealous of our relationship because Father contacts me and not her. Anyway, B asked me yesterday about a million times how Father was. I gave her an update but didn’t tell her everything because some of it is confidential.

Well, B hit the roof! She claimed that Father was purposely telling me not to inform her. She said that she can discern the situation and that I can’t. She claimed pretty much to have special “gifts” from God that I didn’t. Well, I was really surprised by her disrespectful and rude behavior toward me. What a hypocrite.

The definition of a hypocrite is “a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.” Bingo! How dare she come off as holier – we are all the same in God’s eyes.

So, after a few sharp worded e-mails, I decided that I had had enough of this. I told her that I didn’t want to be contacted by her and that she needed to do what she had to and I was going to do the same. I also said that I would pray for her and that God would un-harden her heart and if she wanted to keep praying for Father, that was fine. She responded by saying that I shouldn’t tell her who to pray for!

Unbelievable!

I really thought B was a holy person, full of Christ’s love and compassion. But I have come to see that B is just out for herself. She has an inflated opinion of her religiousness and claims to have a closer relationship than anyone else to God. I felt bad about the way it all ended but it had to be done.

I hope that God can help me through this hard period and He can provide me with the grace to release my anger at B. She is young and has a lot to learn about treating people and life in general. I hope God can show her the way. I need to follow God’s call for my life and that includes what I do and whom I love and support. No one can tell me otherwise.

So, Lord, help me in my time of need. Release my anger and let me forgive B for her actions. May God be with B and her family and may she in time learn to accept other’s opinions without malice.

Is There That Much to Say?

2009-08-18T14:39:00.002-04:00

I noticed yesterday while driving down the street how many people have a cell phone. I saw so many people talking on their cells and I wondered " Is there really that much to talk about?".

People say that they don't have time to do things, like pray or go to church, because their lives are so busy. If everyone just stopped talking so much and started praying and thanking God for what they have, they would be amazed at how much free time they actually have. We have the time - God provides that to us - but we need to decide how to use the precious moments that God allows us to have.

Before you know it, your life will be over and you will look back on it and wonder why you did so much talking and not enough caring, praying, thanking, loving, sharing and showing kindness to others. Those are the things that God will look at when our earthly life is over.

It's not what we say; it's what we do that counts. So, the next time you feel the urge to call someone on your cell and talk about some insignificant thing, take the time to pray instead and thank God for his mercy and kindness toward you. Thank Him for the technology that makes cell phones work. Thank Him for your time and your life.

That's the kind of talking we can all do more of.

My converrsion story - published

2009-08-07T14:00:00.003-04:00

My conversion story has been published in the Catholic Star Herald.

http://www.catholicstarherald.org/

I hope others can be inspired by what happened to me. Praise God!!

Acceptance

2009-07-31T19:47:00.004-04:00

I went on a retreat last weekend at a retreat house where I spent my first retreat a year ago. Last year, I was so anxious on what a retreat would be like. But it was the most amazing weekend of my life. I learned so much and felt so close to God.

So, this year, I was ready for another amazing experience. And you know what - - it was nothing like last year. In fact, it was a little disappointing - at first.

I went into this weekend knowing what the experienc was like, or so I thought. But this year, I didn't feel God's presence like I did previously. In fact, I prayed very hard and felt nothing. No spiritual high, no closeness to God, nothing.

When I met with the spiritual director, she could see that I was clearly upset. Was I expecting too much? Did I really think that it would be exactly like last year?

Her advice to me was to not try so hard and just let things happen. After all, I was there this time to pray and listen to God for what to do about my pain and suffering. I just have had such a hard time with it lately even though I offer it for my friend, Fr Jack. I know it does him good, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Dejected and discouraged, I went into the library there and just started to look at all the volumes of spiritual writings there. I focused on a book simply called "Acceptance". I started flipping through it and ended up reading the whole book cover to cover. Maybe God was there with my after all - He directed me to that book.

I read and realized that maybe my pain issues have to do with the fact that I haven't fully accepted what happened to me 6 years ago. When I was injured at the physical therapist, I know it was an accident but did I truly accept it? I needed to come to the acceptance that this was the way God wanted my life to go.

I felt at peace after that. God had been with me, just not in the way I wanted. He was there in His own timing and I needed to know that His timing is always perfect.

The retreat turned out to be different than last year but just as beautiful. I learned a lot about myself and realize what I need to work on in my life. And I need God to do it. I can't do it alone. I can't deal with my pain alone. I need Him.

Thank you Lord for the wonderful retreat experience and for loving me and being so merciful. God is the reason I am here and I am going to dedicate my life to Him and ask for the grace of acceptance for my cross. I need to carry my pain to the Cross knowing that He is using it for His plan and glory.

Answer Received

2009-07-15T11:49:00.002-04:00

So, as I was complaining that my friend didn’t acknowledge my monetary gift, I received a note in the mail from him thanking me. Boy, I can be so impatient at times. I think it’s the world we live in – everything is so immediate. So, of course, I feel like a fool now.

I have had some trouble lately accepting my pain and dealing with it. Yesterday, I was again feeling sorry for myself and told my husband about my pain. His reaction was to tell me about his aches and pains. No sympathy there. So, I went outside feeling neglected, in pain and suffering, and kind of lost.

As I looked up, I saw dark clouds in a tornado-like appearance and in the “eye” of it, a bright stream of warm, comforting sunlight. Ah, God is so good! It was just the sign I needed to know that He is in control. As long as I let Him handle my adversities, all will be fine.

Lord, thank you for again showing me that You are in control. Help me to learn to be patient and accept my suffering as Your gift to make me holier.

Waiting for an Answer..

2009-07-06T08:02:00.002-04:00

In Matthew chapter 6, this is said:

“Watch out! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired by others, for you will lose the reward from your Father in heaven. ² When you give to someone in need, don’t do as the hypocrites do—blowing trumpets in the synagogues and streets to call attention to their acts of charity! I tell you the truth, they have received all the reward they will ever get. ³ But when you give to someone in need, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. ⁴ Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.”

I have thought a lot about this passage lately. Is is wrong to be acknowledged for a good deed? Is it wrong to need that kind of assurance from others that you are indeed helping others?

I was asked to help a friend of mine who needed money so I gave him some and dropped him a note as well telling him that my thoughts and prayers are with him. Then, this weekend I received an e-mail from a mutual friend again asking for more money to be given to him. My initial thought was ” He didn’t even acknowledge the first gift I gave him. Why should I help him again?” But, if I look at that Scripture passage, it shouldn’t matter if my gift was appreciated. I should be doing this for God’s glory and because He wants me to treat others as I would like to be treated. I shouldn’t be in it for the pat on the back.

I also have a situation where I work where my co-worker is out a lot. I end up doing her work and mine and it is really stressful. But the worst part is that she never appreciates it - never a thank you or an apology for missing so much time. Nothing. So, where is my motivation to keep helping her? My motivation is God. I should be doing it because it’s the right thing to do. God knows what I have done and that is enough. But, I still want to be appreciated. It’s human nature to want acknowledgement - it’s really my human pride that needs it.

So, I am praying very hard on this current request to give my friend yet more money. I hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me into the right decision. And I am going to try not to wait for the accolades that come along with doing something out of Christian love. I will be satisfied knowing that God knows and is with me. My Lord and God gave me everything and I need to give it all back to Him. So, Holy Spirit , guide me and let me serve You totally - that is the only reward I need.

Pomp and Circumstances

2009-06-18T08:42:00.003-04:00

Last night, my daughter graduated from eighth grade. My youngest is now in high school. Commencement is a rite of passage, not just for the child but for the parents.

As I watched her process in with her classmates, I recalled fond memories of her past that brought her to this point. Her first day of kindergarden. Her drawing in fourth grade that won her a county-wide art award. Her letter to Smarty Jones, the race horse, that was published in a book. Her graduation from elementary to middle school only four years ago.

As I watched Erin and her friends, I noticed something else. She is not my little girl anymore; she is a young adult. In fact, some of her classmates are bigger than my 23 year old son! I am so proud of Erin - she is the joy in my life. I hope that we can remain great friends as she matures and becomes her own person.

Tonight, I get to do it all again as my son Brendan graduates from high school. Memories will flood again into my heart and soul of Bren's past accomplishments. As he ventures onto college, I again realize that he is now an adult. Our relationship has changed over the years but he knows that I will always be there for him no matter what.

I am so blessed - all of my children are great kids. They are nice, respectful, kind, generous and most of all, good people. My mom once said to me" It's nice to have children that I love and I like". God has truly blessed my life many times over with the gift of these three lives intertwined in mine. I am so grateful to Him and I am really looking forward to seeing what my children will do with their lives.

Thank you God for these children - they are my most precious blessing.

Yearning for God

2009-06-16T08:49:00.002-04:00

In my spiritual journey, I have had several periods where the pull from the Holy Spirit is strong. He wants me to do something, but what? I am going through a period like that now. I feel so strongly that God wants me to do something or pray for someone special, but I don't know who.

It is in these times that I yearn for a close relationship with God. I want to be able to hear what He is asking me to do so I can say "yes" to Him. Is it that I can't hear Him or is it that I don't want to hear Him? Will He ask me to do something so difficult that my "yes" may come out as a "no"?

I long to be able to hear Him talking to me. I have friends who claim that God speaks to them and I believe them. These people are very spiritual and religious - in fact, one of them is a priest. I know that he can hear God - why can't I? Am I not religious enough?

I can't start comparing myself to others because God created me as an unique individual to do His will. But, honestly, I am a little jealous of the closeness that my priest friend has with God. I want to be able to hear Him too.

So, I am going on a retreat in July and hopefully can get some spiritual direction. The "pull" that I feel could be from God or it could be from the enemy trying to confuse me. I want to serve God so much that it actually hurts sometimes.

I am looking forward to spending time with Him, just the 2 of us. I know that God will talk with me and I will feel the peace of Christ. I am ready, Lord, to serve You in anyway that You need me.

Does God Really Hear Me?

2009-06-01T15:53:00.002-04:00

I often wonder if God really hears my prayers - it's not that God doesn't love me, but who am I in the whole scheme of things? I am a small speck among great landscapes. I am an ant in the kingdom of giant whales and elephants. I am a small wisp of air within hurricanes and tsumanis.

The reason I keep praying is faith. It's my faith in all that is seen and unseen that keeps me going. It's my belief that God does in fact hear every word, spoken or silent, that I say. It's the feeling I get when I sit outside on a sunny day and just enjoy nature that tells me that indeed God is present. He is with me no matter how sunny or cloudy my days may be.

After all, my life is a gift from Him. I didn't ask to be born - He did. He knew centuries ago that I was to be born in this place and time in history. I have a job to do that only I can do for God.

So, am I insignificant? Not to God! He loves me because I am His daughter, created in His image and likeness.

Does God hear me? I know He does. And I thank and praise Him because of it.

Thank you, Lord for always being with me and listening to my small voice. I walk by faith and not by sight for you, my Lord and my God.

Labrynthitis

2009-05-17T12:01:00.002-04:00

Labrynthitis? What in the world is that? I found out the hard way.

I woke up last Sunday morning and sat up and the room started spinning. I had never felt that way before. The whole day, I had several bouts of veritgo - not fun. I went to the doctor on Monday and he diagnosed me as having labrynthitis. It is a viral infection of the inner ear.

This illness has slowed me down considerably - I actually missed almost a whole week of work. As I started to think about it, I realized that maybe this is God's way of telling me to slow down. There is nothing like an illness to make you slow your life down and think about things.

Thank God, I am almost better. Still a little dizzy at times, but certainly much better than a week ago. God does work in mysterious ways! Thanks God for slowing my life down and allowing me to rest in You.

Confusion ...

2009-05-04T15:55:00.000-04:00

Why do we go through periods of confusion in our lives?

Right now, I feel like there is so much going on. Yet, I really do have free time to relax but can't seem to. I am restless with my life, but why?

Is it dealing with the constant 24/7 pain that I do? Have I started to give up on being able to handle that? Where is God in all of this?

I feel a real need to go on another retreat and soon. The next one is in July, so I'll just have to wait. But I need to get closer to God. He will take care of everything and I will get to that place of peace and fulfillment through God.

I know this too shall pass. And if I "pray, hope and don't worry" as Padre Pio said so often, God will take care of my life. He will get me to wherever I need to be for His plan, not my will.

Easter

2009-04-07T09:21:00.003-04:00

Well, Easter is upon us. The time of candy and egg hunts and ham dinners. Spring has just begun and we are waiting for the warmer weather on a more consistent basis. What am I waiting for?

I am waiting for Jesus to die for my sins and to rise again on the 3rd day for me. Yes, for me! What a sacrifice Jesus made for us! What did we do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. In fact, it was our sins that caused His suffering and death.

Why did Jesus die for us? Why? Because He loves us so much that He wanted us to all be saved and to live with Him someday in Paradise.

When I think, really think,about the enormity of it all, it is truly overwhelming. I am nothing, a small speck in this world. But to God, I am His daughter. I mean something to Him. Amazing!

This Easter, I will have candy and enjoy my special dinner with my great family. I will also be praying and give thanks to God and to His Son who gave it all up for me. I am so blessed.

Dreams

2009-03-25T08:22:00.002-04:00

What do dreams really mean?

I had a dream the other night that was amazing yet startling to me. I was to meet a priest friend of mine and when I did, he had a white dazzling light coming from him. He was happy and at peace and he has been going through a lot of turmoil over the last year or so. I was so happy to see him confident and at peace.

I really felt as if God was telling me that everything was going to be OK for my friend. I also felt that God was telling me that my prayers for him were being heard and answered.

When I woke up, the dream was still so vivid in my mind. It really startled me - - I know everyone has those kinds of dreams where you wake up in that way.

Does God speak in dreams? It is in the Bible several times - why can't it be for me as well? It is overwhelming to me that God would speak to me in this way. I am so small in the scheme of things yet so important to God. How amazing!

The skeptics would say to me " God? He doesn't exist" or " Dreams have nothing to do with a god" That's fine - let them think that. I know that God comes to those who have faith.

I can't wait to hear from Him again.

The hope of spring

2009-02-25T10:00:00.002-05:00

Today, spring training baseball games get underway for the 2009 season. I know these games don't count and you won't even know 3/4 of the players. But that is not important. What is important is that the season of spring is almost here and with it, hope springs eternal. Everyone gets a chance to start over again each season, each team with an equal chance of winning it all. Every team optimistic about its chances vowing to improve on last year's record and every team boasting that they are the team to beat.

I know most people look at January 1st of each year as their time of renewal and promise. But for avid baseball fans, today starts that process. Today, your team is in first place (along with every other team!). Today, your team looks good on paper. Today, your team is going all the way.

Happy Spring Training everyone!

Inner Peace

2009-01-25T17:51:00.002-05:00

We all go through times when we feel that life is just moving too quickly. I'm that kind of time now. Work is always stressful, there are obligations at my church, and of course, kids always have their demands as well. I feel stressed lately and need some inner peace in my life.

Last year, when I felt this way, I went on a retreat and it was the best weekend of my life. I left there so peaceful and full of purpose. I am looking for another one to go on and the center that I attend doesn't have one until the summer. What can I do?

I need to have a place at home where I can create my own peaceful space. I am going to turn my computer room/office into a place where I can read my Bible, play my music and write. I don't have a place now to really pray except when I am in my car. That's where I talk to God most often. I need to talk with Him more often.

I need to find a purpose to my life. I know that life has to be more than what I am doing now. I am receptive to whatever God wants me to do, even if it's what I am currently doing. Maybe this is my purpose - to be a wife and mother and a hard worker, to teach CCD and serve on my pastoral council and to pray for others.

I really want to hear God's voice in my life. Then I will get that inner peace I desire. But I can only achieve that with God.

Dad

2009-01-22T09:34:00.003-05:00

Today is the anniversary of my dad passing from this earth to Heaven above. He died in 1998 and it just doesn't seem like it's been 11 years since that sad day.

I think about the things that he has missed. He didn't live to see his eldest grandson graduate from college with honors and a degree in advertising no less. Boy, could my son use my dad's advertising connections right about now!

My dad missed my niece's (his grandaughter's) battle with cancer (which she has successfully conquered). My dad truly can understand the process of illness since he was saddled with many incidents in his life.

I am so glad that my dad missed September 11, 2001 in his beloved NYC. I think that event would have been very traumatic for him. He loved New York City so much.

He missed his Giants winning the Super Bowl last year, although I think David Tyree got a little help from upstairs making "the catch".

My dad missed our historic election and inauguration of our first African-American president, which I know he would have voted for.

I miss my dad every day. I wish I could hear his voice one more time. We were so close and it was hard for me when he passed. But I know that he is in Heaven with God and that someday I will see him again.

I have a portrait of my dad in my house that was given to me after he passed. I look at it every day and know that my dad is there in my life still. He is looking over me and my siblings and all his grandchildren making sure that we are living with the values that he instilled in us - honesty, kindness, humor, and compassion.

I thank my dad for all that he did for me and thank God for giving me such an amazing dad.

Speechless

2009-01-20T13:54:00.002-05:00

After watching the inauguration of President Barack Obama, I had to write down my thoughts and feelings at this historic moment. But, like many Americans, I am speechless.

How do you express in mere words the historic significance of the first African American president of our nation? Sometimes, there are no words and the silence speaks volumes.

All I know is that God is watching over our nation. He brought President Obama into office at the right time. God will guide this good man and his administration and we will overcome our problems and differences.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts the existence of God, look at how things have happened. The inauguration, the day after Martin Luther King Day, was uplifting and full of promise and hope. The White House, built by slaves, will be the home for the first African American president.

These things did not just happen - God allowed them to happen for the good of His people.

May God bless President Obama and his administration.

Anger and Forgiveness

2009-01-16T15:41:00.003-05:00

So, I found out yesterday at the new doctor (yes, this is the 4th one I have been to over the past 4 years) that the most likely source of my pain is a partially torn rotator cuff muscle that happened 4 years ago at physical therapy.

Although I am relieved that it looks like finally, there is a diagnosis, I am also a little angry. Angry again at how it all happened - the way the insurance companies make you rush to PT for every little thing before they will cover the expenses. Angry at the therapist who injured me and then wrote it off because " you do not know how PT really works". Angry at how long it has taken for a diagnosis after being bounced from doctor to doctor for 4 1/2 years. Angry at everyone at times because they have no idea the amount of pain I went through and continue to endure every minute of every day over the past 4 1/2 years.

It is a long time to deal with excruciating pain.

But, with all this, I need to remember that this is a golden opportunity for me to forgive others. I can forgive the insurance companies for their rules and regulations. I can forgive the therapist because it was not an intentional injury - it was an accident. I can forgive the doctors who were just trying to find a solution that was not so obvious after all.

But mostly, I need to forgive myself for all the times when the pain was too much to bear. I am allowed to feel crummy and not happy all the time. I am allowed to let others assist me when the pain is bad. I am allowed to be human.

For a reason not known to me,God has allowed this to occur. It has actually helped me in my relationship with God. I can turn to Him for comfort and assurance that He is with me. My pain is nothing compared to what Jesus did for me. Maybe this is the reason for everything that has happened to me. If the pain makes me a more compassionate, loving and generous person, then it's all for the best. I certainly can feel now for people who have it worse off than I do.

Despite my pain, I am so blessed. God has blessed my life with wonderful people that He has put in my path to help me grow in my walk with Him. My pain is only a small cross to bear for Him - -it is an honor to do so.

Don't get me wrong - I will be so glad if the pain can be ended. But, if I have to deal with it, it's God's will and I will persevere with His grace and strength.

It is time for forgiveness - and it gives me peace to be able to do so.

Why do things happen the way they do?

2009-01-12T15:30:00.002-05:00

I was watching a PBS special last night about Thomas Merton, the Catholic monk who wrote so many wonderful books and prayers. Merton was a wild young man - drinking, drugs, womanizer, etc. He longed for an inner peace in his life and finally found it in the monastery in Kentucky. He stayed there for over 20 years writing many beautiful prayers and books. My favorite prayer was written by Merton in a book called "Thoughts in Solitude".

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Merton lived in that monastery not being allowed to leave the grounds for over 20 years until a new abbot of the monastery allowed him to travel. And what happens? He travels to Bankok and is electrocuted by touching a fan after getting out of the bath. All that searching for inner peace and he finally finds it and is then killed.

Do you ever wonder why things happen the way they do?

All I know is that God allows things to happen in His timeline, not ours. Thomas Merton is serving God more now in all his wonderful spiritual writings and prayers. His life struggles made him the man that God wanted him to be in order to serve Him.

Whenever something happens that I can't understand, I have inner peace knowing that God is taking care of everything and I need not worry. He is in control.

Pen to Paper

2009-01-02T20:32:00.004-05:00

I love blogging - it helps me to get my feelings out.
But, I also love keeping a journal using pen and paper.

I have been journaling for about 2 years now. There is something about actually writing something down that has meaning. I actually come from a family of writers. My maternal grandfather was a television writer. My maternal grandmother was a famous writer known mostly for her Eloise books for young girls. My dad was in advertising all his life and wrote many things including a column for our local paper. Even my daughter was published in 2 books by the time she was 9.

I looked at my journal for 2008 and learned a lot about myself. I saw myself at the beginning of the year as someone who was worried and apprehensive about what the year would bring. I saw myself in the spring, after my retreat, as a changed person. I was awakened spiritually in a way that I will never forget. I felt for the first time the peace that I was longing for.

As I look at these pages, I can also feel the pain and suffering at times and the joy and elation at others. I can also see the progress that I made in 2008 as a person. The bad times have made me a better person, able to draw from the strength of God to get from day to day when at times it seemed like I didn't want to go on.

I can see the way that I wrote at certain times. When I was happy, my words were clear and concise. When I was stressed, the words ran together and were scribbled across the pages. Only pen to paper can produce this result.

I will continue blogging because I enjoy it. I will also continue journaling because it teaches me so much about myself. The blog is for public consumption - - my journal will always be private and between myself and God. God already knows the last pages of my journal and with His help, I look forward to filling the pages.

Another Year Over

2008-12-29T09:09:00.003-05:00

Well, 2008 has a couple of days left in it. And it was a mixed year for me. First of all, my husband had to retire due to health issues which was tough on us all. He also had to apply for Social Security benefits since his pension was not much. That process took 10 months and money was really tight for a while. We were pretty much living on my salary alone.

I prayed to God knowing that He would provide for us. And He did. My husband started to get those payments and everything worked out OK for us.

My health stayed the same - - the pain is pretty bad on most days and I am really stiff and sore all the time. But, the way I look at it, there are plenty of people that have it worse than I do. People that don't have a great family like I do. People that are losing their jobs when I have a secure one. People that don't have food or shelter and I have plenty of both. Thank you God for always providing for me.

My son Chad graduated from college in May - - that was the high point of the year. We were all so proud. Brendan and Erin are great kids too - I am so very blessed.

My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in October. Time flies and I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband to pass the time with.

Barack Obama was elected President. What a great day!! I am looking forward to his administration and I pray that God protect this good man and his family.

2008 has come and gone - -here comes 2009. Let's hope that 2009 is the beginning of a good period for our nation. May God continue to bless our country.

Happy New Year everyone!

The Real Reason...

2008-12-22T14:37:00.004-05:00

A reading from the Gospel of St Luke

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that the whole world should be enrolled.
This was the first enrollment, when Quirinius was governor of Syria.So all went to be enrolled, each to his own town.And Joseph too went up from Galilee from the town of Nazareth to Judea, to the city of David that is called Bethlehem,because he was of the house and family of David, to be enrolled with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child.

While they were there,the time came for her to have her child, and she gave birth to her firstborn son.She wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger,because there was no room for them in the inn.

Now there were shepherds in that region living in the fields and keeping the night watch over their flock.The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them,
and they were struck with great fear. The angel said to them,

“Do not be afraid;
for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy
that will be for all the people.
For today in the city of David
a savior has been born for you who is Christ and Lord.
And this will be a sign for you:
you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes
and lying in a manger.”

And suddenly there was a multitude of the heavenly host with the angel,praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

Merry Christmas everyone and Peace on Earth in 2009

Christmas Peace

2008-12-19T14:08:00.003-05:00

After spending yet another day running around doing last-minute Christmas stuff, I collapsed last night and finally realized that I didn't need to do it all. If everything is not perfect before Christmas, so be it. My holiday will still be wonderful because I have the most important factors - - God and my family - -to celebrate it with.

I sat on my couch and just breathed in and out. Boy, slowing down felt so right. A sense of peace filled my heart. Peace is what Christmas is all about. God gave us His Son to bring peace and love into this world.

I hope that everyone takes the time in this last hectic week to really reflect on why we celebrate Christmas in the first place.

I wish everyone peace and love this holiday season.

A Simple Sermon

2008-12-15T11:00:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, it's the simple words of life that ring out the loudest.

At Mass yesterday, Fr Ken gave a simple but powerful sermon about Jesus and the fact that He is here yesterday, today and tomorrow. Now, I know that is true but the way Fr Ken described it, it just hit home with me. It was the sermon that I needed to hear.

It is at those times, when a message seems to ring out, that I know God is aware of my existence and that I really mean something to Him. It's hard to grasp the concept that God loves me because I am so insignificant compared to others. But to God, I am His daughter.

In this time of Advent and preparing for Christmas, Fr Ken had the right words, no doubt inspired by the Holy Spirit.

Try to encourage someone else with the right words this season. There are so many that need our prayers and our help. Remember the less fortunate now and at all times.

Do unto others as you would want done to you. Those are the right words for all times of year.

The True Meaning of Christmas

2008-12-10T21:28:00.003-05:00

I have been busy like everyone else at this time of year, buying presents, decorating, and listening to Christmas music 24/7. In all the rush, especially this year for some reason, I have really thought a lot about the true meaning of Christmas.

I have had a really tough year in 2008. My husband became disabled and had to retire. My own constant pain issues have been extremely bad at times this year. This year has been so unsettling on many levels and now the year is almost over.

No matter what my problems are, no matter how difficult life can be at times, I just think about that little baby born in a stable to someday die for me. My human struggles, so overwhelming at times, is nothing compared to what that baby did for me. For me!

When I think about Jesus and His ultimate sacrifice, my problems are not so bad. Yes, 2008 was a tough year, but God gave me the strength and perserverence to get through it all. And His Son gave me everything.

And I have so much to be thankful for. My wonderful family, my job, my health (yes, even in constant pain I am so much better off than some others) and my faith in God. It's my faith that gets me to the next day. The faith that God is the most important thing in my life.

I know that He will provide for me. All I need to do is remember the spirit of Christmas all year round. Be nice when I don't feel like it. Help out the less fortunate. Give someone a pat on the back for no reason. Smile!

Lord, I am so blessed. Thank You for everything that You have given to me. Thank you mostly for the gift of that little baby born in Bethlehem and for His wonderful parents.

A scare

2008-12-03T15:38:00.002-05:00

Boy, nothing like a health scare to really put things into perspective.

I went to the doctor for a routine checkup about a month ago. She noticed a blemish or mole on my face and told me that I should get it checked out because it looked "irregular". Ok, what does "irregular" mean?

I went to the dermatologist on Monday and she looked and said it was a pre-cancerous lesion probably from being out in the sun ( no, I am not a sun worshipper - just a soccer mom who goes to all my daughter's games and most of the time, the sun is directly on the parents side). The doc said that if I hadn't taken care of this soon, the prospect was pretty good that I would be dealing with cancer in some form.

She then froze the lesion off (boy, liquid nitrogen sure does hurt!) and I have a nice red mark under my eye that looks like someone punched me out. My eye is a little swollen but nothing big. At least I can milk it for a couple of days!

When I look back at this, a few things come to mind. I thank God first and foremost for taking care of me. I thank Him for putting the doctors in my life that took care of it all. I realize that even with my constant pain issues, I have it pretty good. I am so blessed and am so grateful for what I have.

Step back, take time to look at your life. I am sure that you will realize as I did that I am extremely blessed.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T11:28:00.002-05:00

I have so much to be thankful for, not just at Thanksgiving, but every day.

I have God - the purpose of my life and my inspiration.

I have a great family - my husband of 25 years and my 3 wonderful children. I am so proud of the young adults that they have become.

I have great friends at work and at other social locations, like soccer and at church. God has put some wonderful people in my life and I am so grateful.

I have a steady job and a roof over my head. I have food to eat and heat in the winter.

Even with my constant physical pain, I am better off than a lot of people. If this pain is the main thing I have to deal with, then I do it with gratitude to God for allowing me to carry even this small cross for Him.

It is easy to forget how much you really have - we humans are never satisfied, are we? But I have recently come to appreciate more and more the gifts that God has given me.

When you are down, look around you. See how you are blessed and give thanks.

A Historic Vote

2008-11-11T11:11:00.002-05:00

So, Barack Obama is our new President-Elect! What a wonderful time to be an American.

I hope that President Obama will bring about the change that he promised and that he can bring our country together so we can all work to fix the problems we are currently having.

I have confidence that Obama is the right man at this time in our nation's history. I know that God will bless his presidency.

Please pray for Obama and his family, for Vice President Biden and his family and for our nation.

God Bless America!!

Peace

2008-10-28T15:22:00.000-04:00

Since I made a decision to let God handle my life, I have felt so much peace. Everything seemed to fall into place once I dedicated my life to Him. I know that God is in control of my life and it makes everything so much easier.

My money problems - gone now.
My health - still hurting but more tolerable.
My family - wonderful
My relationship with my husband - really good lately. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary.

God - let Him take control of your life. He will provide for you. All your worried put upon the Cross. It will be taken care of.

Thank you God for loving me.

It's Been a While....

2008-10-08T09:22:00.002-04:00

I just realized that I haven't posted to this page in about 2 months. Wow! Time really flies :)

I have been so busy and have posted to other blogs. I am going to grad school now and I like the class but feel really old. I am even older than the teacher! But, it's a good course in PR and I like being able to do something just for me.

Work is busy as always and I had a bad week last week. But this week, I am feeling unusually calm. I thank God for the peace He has put into my life.

I pray for my friend, Fr Jack. He is again having some issues and is being attacked by the enemy. He is so humble and holy that I have no doubt that he is being attacked. I know that God will provide for him.

Thank you God for everything you have blessed me with. Stay with me and keep me headed in the right direction - - to You.

The enemy

2008-08-02T21:37:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have felt the pull of the enemy. My life has been filled with many confusing things and I know it's the enemy that is putting it there. God would never confuse things - He is Love and Mercy. He is the only thing that is sure.

My hubby is very insecure and jealous. He often has accused me of infidelity over 25 years of marriage. Well, last week, he asked me not once but twice if I had cheated on him. I was so angry and hurt. Why doesn't he trust me after all these years?

The hurt was welling up inside of me and I couldn't take it anymore. I e-mailed some friends and asked them to pray for me. Then, I went to Confession.

Fr. Vic was so understanding and compassionate. We talked for a while. He gave me several things to think and pray about. I felt a lot better after going.

I also got an e-mail from Fr Jack. He also had kind things to say to me and gave me more support and love. He is an amazing priest and he will be a wonderful teacher.

I feel a lot better now. But I know that the enemy is angry with me. He knows that I am coming back to God and Mary and won't let the enemy win. He can't win. I can only win with Christ.

Lord,be with me. I beg for Your compassion and love. Keep the enemy away from me. Let me take the anger and hurt I have and turn it into an offering for my hubby's soul.

Confusion

2008-07-14T14:42:00.002-04:00

I am so confused. There is so much going on in my life and I am trying to just let God handle it. But I am worried and concerned. It is getting so hard. I believe that God will provide for me but I don't feel His presence. I pray to Him for His guidance and I don't feel anything. I tell Him that I will do His will but I don't know what that is. Does God know how hard I am trying? Is He with me?

I know that He hears me and that He loves me as a Father loves His daughter. I wish my earthly father was still here to talk with. My dad always understood and was compassionate and loving. Just like my Heavenly Father.

I find myself thinking about God more and more. I just feel the urge to pray all the time. Maybe because I want to be in prayer to listen to His voice. Or is it the enemy making me feel so obsessed about my relationship with God? It would be just like the enemy to take a good thing and turn it around to make it evil.

Lord, I don't know what to do. Please be with me and guide me. Be my companion. Help me to listen for Your voice and to do Your will.

Jesus, I trust in You.

What to do

2008-07-10T13:11:00.001-04:00

My husband Chuck is getting so depressed about his physical condition. He is so bored and so upset that he can't do everything that he wants to do. It breaks my heart seeing him like this. He actually told me that he would rather just die than to keep living his life like this. I am scared for him. I don't think he would go through with it but it's still scary.

God, please be with Chuck. Let him know that he is not alone. You are with him always. Comfort him in his time of need. Love him and show him that he is your beloved son.

God, also be with me and help me be a comfort to him. Jesus, I trust in You.

Pain

2008-06-26T20:43:00.002-04:00

I went yesterday to get the shots in my neck for my bulging discs and it was one of the most painful times of my life. The doctor put 5 shots into my discs in my upper neck without anesthesia. It hurt so bad! I thought childbirth was painful!

I am pretty sore today but feel a little better. I hope that this works. I want the pain to be taken away even though I do offer the pain for Fr Jack and for my husband Chuck. If I am healed, I will have to sacrifice something else for them.

God, thanks for being with me yesterday. I couldn't have done it without You.

Have No Fear

2008-06-22T20:20:00.003-04:00

My life has been crazy lately. My husband is now retired because of his health issues. We don't know if or when he will ever get better. My own pain has been through the roof as well. We are worried about the future and it's all so upsetting.

This is when God calls to me.

At Mass tonight, Fr Jose talked about not being afraid. Fear is the work of the enemy and a powerful tool. It is in time of fear that we do not trust in God. But God is always there.

I felt so much better after Fr Jose's sermon. I told him after Mass that his sermon came at the right time for me. I need to go to God and He will dispell all my fears. I can't live with fear paralyzing my life. I can live with God as my life.

Thank you Lord for taking away the fear. I know that You will provide for me and I thank You for always being there for me, even when I don't feel it. I am so blessed to have the Lord as my reason for living. I refuse to live in fear. I will live in Christ.

Pain, Pain Go Away

2008-06-12T12:22:00.002-04:00

I am having a horrible time lately with my pain. It's not the physical pain per se; I just am having a hard time dealing with it mentally. I don't know why - I was doing well for a while. I go through phases where I am fine and then not so fine. I guess it's to be expected with the constant pain.

It's been 4 years now since I was injured and all this started. Why can't I just accept it and deal with it better? I try to offer it up for Fr Jack and when I complain, I feel like I am letting him down. And I am letting God down because I can't accept my cross and follow Him in the way He wants me to.

God, I need you more than ever. Be my every strength and help me to regain my hope in you.

Another Blog

2008-06-12T12:20:00.002-04:00

I am now writing for another blog about the Mets. What a great time I am having! I have had a couple of things posted so far and it's cool to see my name out there and having people respond to it.

I really love to write and this has helped fuel my writing passion. When I start grad school in the fall, I'll be writing even more.

Thank you God for putting this in my life.

Evangelization

2008-05-27T08:31:00.002-04:00

I have found a new way to spread the Good News- through Yahoo! Answers. It is a place where you can ask and answer questions on lots of topics .One of the categories is Religion and Spirituality. I find a lot of interesting questions on that page, but also a lot of sacreligious ones. It is amazing to me that there are so many out there who do not believe in God. What a sad statement!

By answering questions, I hope that I am evangelizing in some way and that someone is being touched by one of my answers. God can use this method also to reach out to others. I just hope I am pleasing Him by doing so.

Commencement Day

2008-05-16T19:12:00.003-04:00

Today, my oldest son Chad graduated from Rowan University. I was so proud. I only cried once! When it was announced that they were now Rowan graduates, I started to cry. It really hit me. My son was an adult. I can still remember what he wore the first day of kindergarden. Wasn't that only last week?

We are so proud of Chad. He graduated with honors and also received an award from his college. I know that he has a bright future ahead of him. He will make a real difference in this world.

As we sat at the ceremony, I looked at my other 2 children with pride as well. Brendan and Erin are such gifts from God as is Chad. I am so blessed.

CCD

2008-05-08T20:08:00.002-04:00

I finished tonight teaching CCD for this year. Wow - it was a lot of work. But my kids were basically really nice and funny. I had a couple of kids that were real handfuls. But I tried to keep my patience with them.

I am going to teach CCD again next year. The 2nd graders are so cute.

I am going to have to learn to be more assertive next year. At times, they were walking all over me. I need to be more of a teacher and less of a friend.

God, thank You for letting me teach this class. I praise You and Your plan for my life.

A Call to Write

2008-05-01T09:51:00.002-04:00

Lately, I have felt called to write about my experiences. My husband thinks I may have a book in me. Who knows?

Anyway, I have started writing. I have 2 small chapters done already. I really enjoy it.
I don't know if anyone will ever read it, but I like writing and it feels good to get it all out. That is the main reason for this web site and for the 3 journals that I currently write in.

The book may only be for me and that's OK. We'll see where God leads me with it.

A Prayer Journal

2008-04-25T15:57:00.003-04:00

I read in a magazine about a person who decided to keep a prayer journal. In this journal, she wrote prayers and inspirational thoughts about a certain friend. When the journal was completed, she sent it to that person for their spiritual journey. I thought this was a great idea. So, I wrote a prayer journal and sent it to Fr Jack in Texas. I hope that he gets some comfort and inspiration from it. I hope and pray that he will be lifted up in prayer and love from my journal. I filled it with writings, pictures, prayers, and scripture passages.

When he needs a little support and love, I hope that he can find it in my book.

God, watch over Fr Jack as he again answers Your call. Whatever happens with him, let Fr Jack be blessed and granted all the grace needed to be what God needs him to be. Let me always be there for him as he has been for me.

God bless Fr Jack and his priesthood.

Writing

2008-04-16T09:05:00.003-04:00

Lately, I have felt drawn to write a lot. I actually have 3 journals that I am currently writing in. Each journal has a different purpose. One journal is just a blank book where I can write at length about any topic. Another journal is a book that has inspirational stories in it with blank pages for reflection. The third journal is the one that I write in most often. It is a women's inspirational journal with Scripture passages on each page and lots of blank area for writing.

I looked at my inspirational journal the other day and read some of my older entries. I have been writing in this journal the longest, since 2006. I see how far I have come in my spiritual journey. I am definitely a better person now than in 2006. In 2006, I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain. Now, I am still in physical pain, but I can handle it better with God at my side.

I offer up my pain for Fr Jack and his priesthood. That gives the pain a purpose. God will give me the grace to accept my cross for His purpose and plan.

I really enjoy writing. I am thinking of writing a little book about my spiritual growth. It would just be for me and anyone else who cared to read it. Nothing published; just on a web site possibly.

I will keep journaling because it helps me and it is also a form of prayer. Lord, guide me in my writings and help me to grow in faith and Christian love.

A Great Read

2008-04-09T14:14:00.003-04:00

I am in the middle of reading a great book called " My life with the Saints". It was written by a Jesuit priest who talks about these saints and how they have influenced his prayer life and helped his vocation. Fr Martin writes really well - I can't put the book down.

What I have noticed about this read is that the underlying theme is that everyone is called to be a saint. The people in the book are ordinary people like me,who with God's guidance and with faith, turned into saints.

Reading the book has encouraged me a lot. I see that I can just be myself and still live a saintly life. All these great saints after all were just people like me. Sinners like me. Human like me.

As long as I am doing God's will, I can be counted among the people trying to live like saints. All I have to do is listen for His voice.

The Retreat

2008-04-08T14:24:00.002-04:00

I finally went on the retreat and it was amazing! It was more than I ever could have expected. The time spent in the silence was just what I needed. I sat outside a lot at the different statues and just talked with God. When I sat in front of the St Patrick's cross, I couldn't tear myself away from it. I sat there for over an hour and just talked with God and cried a lot. Sr. Maria said that crying is actually the emotion of feeling God inside of you. I would have to agree with that.

I truly felt for the first time that God was there and that He listens to me. I felt such a connection with my Lord. It was an incredible experience and I can't wait to go on another one :)

Once Again Confused

2008-03-03T10:37:00.003-05:00

I am once again confused. My life has really been in turmoil the last 2 weeks. First, my husband's doctor advises him not to return to the same kind of work that he does now.Which basically says that he will have to retire. So, what do we do now?

Then, the retreat that I was so looking forward to was canceled. I was really upset about that. I need that time alone with God in a bad way.

Added to that the fact that my back has never been so painful and you can see why my life has been a little unsettled.

I keep praying to God to help me and give me the strength to handle these crosses, especially in this Lenten season. This is the time that I am supposed to sacrifice even more than usual and lift it to the Cross. But, it is so hard to actually do.

I am just very mixed up. I know that God loves me yet I don't feel it. I pray for God's grace and mercy yet don't know if He knows I exist. I'm sure He does since He created me, but I don't feel it.

I need to do what Fr Jack has advised me to - just know that God is there leading me in this path of my life right now. Fr Jack said " I can't see in front of me but I have faith that God will lead me where He needs me to be".

Boy, do I miss having Fr Jack around.

Lord, help me in this latest crisis of faith. Send your Spirit to me to comfort me. Come into my heart and strengthen me. Let me feel Your peace and love.

Giants - Super Bowl Champs!!

2008-02-04T10:03:00.000-05:00

WOW!

What a great game!! The Giants are Super Bowl Champs!

It was an amazing game - a defensive struggle with great plays. That catch that David Tyree made late in the game could go down as one of the best Super Bowl catches ever.

Eli really stepped up on the biggest stage there is and showed all those doubters that he is the real deal.

The New York Football Giants - Super Bowl Champions!!!

The Giants are Going to the Super Bowl!

2008-01-22T15:08:00.000-05:00

I can't believe the G Men are going to the Super Bowl! It has really been an exciting year for them. It would be great if they could beat the Patriots - a tall order indeed. Either way, they are the NFC Champions !!

Go Big Blue!

Maybe since they are playing on Chad's birthday, that will be a lucky day for them :)

Retreat!

2008-01-10T14:58:00.000-05:00

I finally am going on a retreat!

I have never done this before and I am really looking forward to it. It's in February. I think with my feelings lately about a calling, this retreat will really do a lot of good for me. I am so excited about going and finally doing something just for me!

I am looking forward to meeting with a spiritual director about my calling. And I am also looking forward to just having some quiet time with the Lord for prayer and contemplation.

I guess I should call the place and ask what to bring, etc. Of course, I will have my Bible and my devotional journal so I can document the whole experience. I wonder if I can bring my digital camera to take some inspriational pictures. I hope I can.

I am so looking forward to this - praise God!!

A Shock to the System

2008-01-10T14:52:00.000-05:00

I found out today that my 14 year old niece has leukemia. It is a rare form that only about 50 people get each year. But, in her case, her prognosis is good. In children who were relatively healthy, the remission rate is over 80%. But what a shock to the system!

When my mom called and told me, I had a lot of thoughts. I thought about my niece and how scared she must be. I thought about my brother and sister-in-law who are probably reeling. I thought about my other niece and 2 nephews, my niece's siblings. I thought about my mom, who was really shaken when she called me. But mostly, I thanked God that my 3 children are healthy. I can't even imagine what my brother is going through.

All I can do is have faith that God will provide for us all. He is allowing this to happen for a reason known only to Him. I will just pray hard for my niece and her family. She is a wonderful girl - intelligent, full of life, loves to write and has a lot of friends. I know that God will take care of her.

Another Strong Feeling about a Vocational Calling

2008-01-08T11:49:00.000-05:00

I have recently felt that I am being called to do something. I don't know what it is. But lately, I have been praying a lot and I feel myself praying whenever I have a spare moment. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But I truly enjoy my time of prayer.

I go at lunchtime each weekday to St Bridget's in Glassboro to sit with the Blessed Sacrament. It is the nicest part of my day. Most of the time, the chapel is empty and I can express verbally what I need to - just me and Him.

The call to some kind of religious life is very strong at the present time. I don't know if it is a response to Fr Jack leaving or if it is something else. I think I am going to check into going on a short retreat and speaking to a spiritual director about this. I am also going to speak to Roseanna about it today at my couseling session.

Am I trying too hard? Do I think I am being called because in some sense it would keep me feeling closer to Fr Jack? I don't know. It is all very confusing. Is my current calling of being a wife and mother enough? Am I trying to make it more than it is?

I think I just need time and peace to sort all these emotions out. If God has another call for me, then I gladly accept whatever He needs me to do. Like Our Blessed Lady said : I am the handmaiden of the Lord. Do with me whatever You will.

Happy 2008!

2008-01-02T15:58:00.000-05:00

I have decided to really dedicate myself and my prayers to Our Blessed Lady in 2008. I know I said that in 2007 but I never did it. I think that she is the key to God hearing me and listening to my pleas. I know that she can make me a better mother since she was the best one ever. And since I go to St Mary's church, I need to really make a strong effort to keep Mary in my daily thoughts and prayers.

I know that she will listen to me if I pray to her. I just have never really done that before. I was always taught that you prayed to God and Jesus but the emphasis on Mary was never strong. Now I know that the way to God is through Mary.

Mary, May you take my intentions to heaven with God and Your Beloved Son. Help me to make 2008 the best year ever. Help me to dedicate my life to God every day through your mercy and grace.

Here's to a holy and blessed 2008.

Saying Goodbye

2007-12-19T10:12:00.000-05:00

Well, the day has finally come. Fr Jack is leaving St Mary's. He is going to Texas on a sabbatical for 4 months and then returning to NJ in a new assignment in the diocese. When I found out last week, I felt as if all the air was sucked out of me. I knew that he would leave someday but didn't know how I would react to the news.

I am actually really happy for him. He will thrive in the new environment. He is a deeply religious and private man. In a monastery setting, he will be so content and happy.

I will really miss Fr Jack enormously. But he will always be in my heart. I will continue to pray for him daily. And perhaps we can still stay in touch. And maybe when he returns to NJ, I can see him once in a while.

Even if I don't see him again, he will always be with me. He is an amazing gift from God and I am so grateful to Him for allowing Fr Jack to be part of my life, even for this short time.

God Bless You Fr Jack. May God be with you always.

Sorting Things Out

2007-12-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

I have finally sorted out my feelings toward Fr Jack. He is a married man - married to God and the Church. Therefore, I am to love him as a close friend and nothing more. I think I was confused because he is so compassionate and loving and he fills a void in my life that I have. The need to be loved and appreciated. As much as I love my husband, he doesn't always treat me with that level of compassion and understanding.

I am to love him as if he were my earthly father. I loved my dad very much and I can love Fr Jack in the same way. I am not in love with him like I thought I was. It was the enemy tempting me and steering me the wrong way. As long as I think of Fr Jack as my father and with that kind of love, I will be fine.

God, thank you for clearing it all up for me. Holy Spirit, thank you for coming to me and helping me to sort this whole situation out.

All glory, praise and honor to you, O Lord.

My feelings

2007-11-27T14:42:00.000-05:00

My pain has never been more bothersome, but somehow, I feel at peace with it all. Things are a little strained. My husband is still out of work and now is not getting paid anymore. So the money will be tight for Christmas. But, I am calm. I know that God will provide for me and my family. I have great faith that He will take care of us.

I offer my pain each day for Fr Jack and his priesthood. I feel good being able to do that. He told me on Sunday that he believes that God is going to deliver me from my pain soon. I was surprised to hear him say that. It would be great if that was the case, but I think I will have this pain for the long haul. I think he was just trying to give me some hope in persevering with the pain. I need to carry on, for Fr Jack and for God and His will.

A Calling?

2007-11-03T10:48:00.000-04:00

The past 2 weeks, I have really been drawn to the prayer life. I pray all the time. When I am not praying, I am thinking about it. Or thinking about reading something spiritual. I am currently reading " Story of a Soul" by St Therese and it is amazing. It has been like an obsession. I wonder if God is calling me to do something else with my life. If I wasn't married with children presently, I could see me pursuing religious life. It feels that strong.

I e-mailed Fr Jack to see if he could find out for me how to get a spiritual director. I would love to have him as mine, but I don't want to add to his already heavy load. So, I just asked if he could find out for me if possible.

I don't know what to do with all these feelings and I need some direction. I would also like to find out how to discern what my calling may be. I did tell Chuck last night that I am praying a lot and he was OK with it.

I feel at peace with my life presently. My pain has been bad lately but I am OK with it. I just offer it up for Fr Jack and pray for more pain. I will take on more and more pain if it makes him strong and happy. I need to do all I can to keep the enemy away from him. I know that God listens to him and we need holy priests like Fr Jack more than ever.

I prayed hard last night for God and the Holy Spirit to come to me and let me know what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I surrender my life over to the Lord. I prayed so hard, I cried uncontrollably but I wasn't sad. It was tears of joy and pain, happiness and confusion. I hope that God hears me and knows that I am trying to live the life of a saint.

The Power of Prayer

2007-10-22T15:36:00.000-04:00

I am feeling really good lately. I have been praying a lot. I say the Rosary every day for Fr Jack. After Mass yesterday, he thanked me for the Mass card I sent on his behalf. It was for his birthday this week. I didn't know what to buy him but I knew that a Mass would make him happy and it did. He blessed me too for our wedding anniversary today. Fr Jack is such a gentle and humble man. He was in a really good mood yesterday even though his sinus infection has seemed to come back. I prayed to God, St Luke and St Therese to heal him and also to make my pain worse if it will take away his infection. But only if it is His Will.

Fr Jack said I was a "sweetheart" and gave me a nice kiss on the cheek. When he gives me those big bear hugs, it's like one from God. He is an amazing man and I am so blessed to have him in my life.

All Is Good

2007-10-08T11:16:00.000-04:00

Everything is going well lately. I feel good on the new medicine - the side effects are pretty much gone. I am happier than I have been in ages.

I did see Fr Jack on Sunday and he was not mad at me. He gave me a big hug like he does every week and a big smile. It's so nice to see him so happy as well.

I did enroll Fr Jack for a Mass for his intentions this month for his birthday. I had already sent away for a Mass for him from the St Therese Society of the Little Flower but I didn't sign my name to it. It will be my gift to him from me and God.

God Bless Fr Jack and his ministry. He is an amazing man!

Need to Let Go

2007-10-01T18:45:00.000-04:00

So, last week at the Pastoral Council meeting, I sat next to Fr Jack. I didn't even talk to him all night. I felt bad about that. I e-mailed him the next day and apologized for that. He has not responded to me yet. I think that he is getting sick of my e-mails.

Today, I went to Mass this morning for St Therese's feast day. It was really nice. Fr Ken said Mass and his homily was nice. I could relate to it - he talked about the dark night and St Therese's "little ways".

After Mass, I prayed to God that I was not going to contact Fr Jack anymore. Any concerns that I have I will just bring to St Therese and to God. I need to stop depending on Fr Jack so much. I don't want to lose his friendship and I need him to keep praying for me as I do for him each day.

I have also decided to say the Rosary each day in October. It was easy to say it today - I just did it in the car driving to work.

God, I offer each day to you. I also offer my pain for Fr Jack and his ministry. Keep him safe and keep the enemy away from him. Thank you for all my blessings. Amen

A Glimmer of Light from Heaven

2007-09-21T08:49:00.000-04:00

I decided that I needed to go to Confession to clear my heart and soul from what I had been feeling. The thoughts of suicide I knew were sinful.
I went and saw Fr Jack. After we talked, he told me to pray to St Therese for my healing. I didn't know too much about her so I researched her life. She is the patron saint of, among many things, curing depression and taking away suicidal thoughts.
I decided to look at my CCD stuff for this week's lesson. I took my duffle bag from last year to clean it out so I could put my materials from this year in. I reached in the bottom and found all kinds of stuff - pens, pencils, paper clips, scraps of paper.
When I reached in again, I pulled out a sign from God. A St Therese medal. I didn't even know I had one. I was stunned! Right there, I prayed to God and thanked Him. I also prayed to St Therese to have her watch over me.
I felt a peace come over me at that time. It also reaffirmed my thoughts that Fr Jack truly gets his direction from God. When I told him about this, his reaction was to praise God. Fr Jack is such a humble and holy man.
I feel better about things now. I know that I will still struggle periodically in darkness, but St Therese can help me.

Thank you God for all that you are putting me through. I know it's because You want me to grow in holiness and love for You.

Spiritual Darkness

2007-08-31T10:56:00.000-04:00

Every Christian goes through what is called spiritual darkness. I am going through that now. My faith has been shaken. At Mass last Sunday, when Fr Jack was concencrating the host, I got a thought in my mind. Is this really the body of Christ? Is He really present? At that moment, I felt as if things that I had always believed in, like that, had been erased. I almost did not receive communion because I felt so bad. But I knew that Erin would suspect something being wrong, so I went up.

At my counseling session this week, it was really hard. I cried a lot. My counselor is worried that my depression is getting bad again. I am worried also. I am also scared about my faith. I feel really alone and in the dark.

I bought a book about spiritual darkness and it was good. I am going to read it again to see if I can pick up some words of wisdom. I also have received some e-mails from Fr Jack and he is always a comfort.

Life is hard these days. I don't feel good about myself. I just want to be alone.

A Ball of Confusion

2007-08-13T09:41:00.001-04:00

Did you ever feel like your life is one big ball of confusion? Lately, I feel all upset inside. At work, I hate it because of what happened with Tony a few weeks ago. I really can’t stand being around him these days. I can’t go in his office at all. It is so uncomfortable. At home, I just want to be left alone. I love my family but I need my space. At church, I feel so unworthy to be there. At Mass yesterday, I got physically sick before receiving the Eucharist because I don’t think I am worthy to receive. My faith is shaken. I am having real doubts. I can’t pray. I just can’t do it. I told Fr Jack not to pray for me anymore- pray for the ones that he can help. He said I was being tested like Mother Theresa. How could he compare me to her? I will never be that saintly.

I want to pray for God to help me but I am hypocritical in doing that. Maybe by Mass on Wednesday ( Aug 15) I will feel better about things. Right now, I know that I pretty much hate my life.

How do I handle this?

2007-08-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

Last week, something really upsetting happened to me. When I walked into my boss' office to get his signature on a paper, I caught him taking his hand out of his pants. Not just that, but on his 2 computer screens, he had porno going. One screen had pictures, one had streaming video. I couldn't believe my eyes! Right there in the office! He was clearly startled. I don't know if he knew what I had seen, but I have to imagine that he did. He rushed me out of the office at that point.

I was so shocked and upset. I didn't know what to say or do. I also knew that I couldn't tell Chuck or anyone about this. Chuck would have hit the roof with anger.

The rest of the week was so strange. Every time he came near me, I was cringing inside. I had always gotten along with my boss really well until this. I just feel so uncomfortable around him now, especially since it is just the 2 of us in the office.

I decided to tell my counselor about it at our next session. She was also quite surprised at this. We talked and I felt a little better about it. I just keep thinking about the images and how disgusting they were.

I also e-mailed Fr Jack with my feelings. He was very understanding as he always is. He suggested that God wanted me to see this so that I could pray for my boss in the hopes that he would turn away from the porno. That is what I have been doing- trying to offer up my feelings to God for His use in helping my boss. I just feel like I am sinning because I didn't say anything to him about it. Fr Jack did not suggest that so I guess I am OK.

I will just keep praying that my boss turns away from the porno. But now I am kind of afraid to go into his office because I keep thinking about what I saw.

God, most merciful and all knowing, please help me to erase these images from my mind if it is Your Will. Let me be an intercessor for my boss in the hopes that he is saved from this influence of the enemy. Come to my boss and fill him with Your love and compassion through the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Fill the emptiness in his heart that causes him to turn to pornography. Come into my heart with Your grace and peace and assist me in doing Your Will.

Need Some Peace

2007-07-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

I find myself really wanting to go to God in prayer and contemplation more often. But whenever I have the time to, I am so wound up with everything and everyone that I can't get my thoughts together. I sit by myself with my Bible and get ready to read and then I get interrupted by someone. Or I am totally by myself with no interruptions and then can't concentrate. My counselor actually recommended a retreat - it sounds like a great idea. I don't know much about them but I think it would be nice. I know that Chuck wouldn't go for it though. He would see it as getting away from him and the kids.

I think in a peaceful setting, maybe even a church, I could get my thoughts together and come closer to God. I need to feel His peace within me and the calming effect that He would have. I hope He knows that I am really trying to do His will and that I love Him.

Conflicting Feelings

2007-07-16T20:14:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have had a lot of conflicting feelings. Taking care of Chuck has really been a stressful experience. I try to do whatever he wants and it's hard sometimes. He is having a hard time of it and takes a lot of things that I say the wrong way. He also says things to me that are not very nice. He criticizes a lot and then tells me when I get my feelings hurt that I need to go to my counselor more often or that I am crazy. It really hurts when he says those things.

I go to God and ask for His help with this. I know that I need to be compassionate and understanding but it's really hard on some days. I am doing so much now for him- all the errands, the manual labor stuff around the house, the running here and there, getting things for him - and it gets to me. I really have no one to talk to about it except my counselor. She is a tremendous help and I'm glad that I go.

I find myself praying and singing hymns more often too. I think that helps knowing that God cares. He wouldn't have me going through this if it wasn't for His Glory and Plan. I need to keep increasing my faith in Him and His Will.

Confession

2007-06-26T09:59:00.000-04:00

Last week, it got so bad with Chuck and his attitude that I prayed to God to make him just die. After I pleaded with God, I felt so bad and guilty about it. How could I have wished that?

I went to my counselor the next day and told her. I also said that I needed to go to Confession for that. After the meeting, I went down to St Mary's to sit and pray and think about what I had done. I was compelled to go to Confession right away. In church, I called Fr Jack to see if he was available and luckily he was.

I went to the parish office and talked with Fr Jack about my feelings. He was as usual compassionate and thoughtful in his response. He gave me a lot to think about. But mostly, he absolved me of my sins so I could go to Mass on Sunday. Fr. Jack is such a gift in my life - I thank God every day for him and what he means to me.

I pray every day that everything I do is for God and His purpose and glory. I pray to watch over my family and friends and to bless and protect Fr Jack in his ministry. I offer my pain for Fr Jack as well. He even thanked me for my continuing prayers for him - he is really something else.

God, Fr Jack's extended family is currently in crisis. Please bring them peace and resolution to whatever troubles they now have. Bless and help Fr Jack though this time. Come to him and let him know that You are with him. Amen.

Update

2007-06-20T10:49:00.000-04:00

This week, we are going to the spine doctor to see what Chuck's options are. It has actually been a little easier to handle. The counselor has really helped. And I feel more at peace with things. I have just prayed each day for God to take care of everything and that I am offering my days to Him. I still offer my pain for Fr Jack but I offer everything that I do each day to the Father. I truly believe in my heart and soul that God will provide for me and my family.

I thank God each day for the gifts that He has given me. I am truly blessed.

Where to Start

2007-06-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

There are so many things going on right now in my life that I don't even know where to start writing. Chuck's back problems are really bad. He can hardly walk. It is so scary, so life changing. We are hoping that a spine specialist can possibly do surgery to correct the problem. I just pray to God that He takes care of us. I need to have faith in the Lord and His plan. I need to come to Him to gain strength and love for others.

I am so in demand right now. Chuck, the kids, my high stress job. Then after all of this, I sprain my right wrist and have a brace now. Boy, what else can happen? There are just not enough hours in each day anymore. And when I do have the time, I am so revved up that I can't relax and enjoy it.

My counselor taught me some deep breathing exercises. She thinks that I am in a crisis mode now. I agree. I need to be able to take care of myself through all this mess. It's so hard though. My mind is racing 1000 miles a minute. There is just so much to think about. Life is about as hectic as it can get.

At work, my co=worker has been out since April and now another support person is going out in July for a month. That will mean that I will have 3 jobs to do and I just can't do it alone. But there is no one else to do the work. I need to talk with Tony about this. And soon.

In all this chaos, the only constant is God. He is always there for me. I know that I need Him to be with me in this time. When I am feeling weak, tired, defeated, depressed, overwhelmed and just fed up, He is still there. I may give up on life but He never gives up on me. What a tremendous gift! God is everything. God is Love.

Depression

2007-05-27T18:16:00.000-04:00

I have really been depressed the past week. Not only is Chuck's back really really bad but he is so hard to live with. He actually accused me of poisoning him. I couldn't believe it.

I went to Mass today but really didn't want to. I was depressed there too. I barely participated. I just feel so down. My counselor said that I am in crisis mode and she wants to see me again this week. I just don't know what to do to get out of this mood. I don't even want to get out of this mood.

My faith has been shaken and I just don't know what to do. I can't deal with Chuck's verbal abuse anymore. Yes, I know that he doesn't really mean it but it still hurts so much. There are days lately when I just don't want to go through the day. And the days just never seem to end. I just can't wait till the end of each day and get it over with.

God, help me with the depression. Help me to combat the enemy. I know that he is doing this to me probably because my faith has increased so much. I can't let the enemy win.

Life's Struggles

2007-05-18T13:46:00.000-04:00

My life lately has been really confusing and painful. Physically painful and emotionally painful. I am really confused about a lot of things. I really want to do the right things - live the way that God wants me to live. But it's been so hard lately. My back pain is at its highest in months. Work is crazy. And Chuck is sometimes unbearable with his emotions and struggles with his back problems. He won't listen to anyone and he takes a lot out on me.

In the midst of all of this, 2 bright lights are shining. One is Fr Jack, who is always there for me. He knows what to say and how to be compassionate. That is probably why I rely on him so much; he gives me the comfort that I don't get from Chuck. The other bright light is Erin. We talked after Mass yesterday and she really has a lot of insights for a 12 year old. I really believe that God works through her. She says things that are just amazing. And she told me that she sees things as well, like angels and visions of Godlike things. She is truly a gift from God.

I would give my life for both Erin and Fr Jack. Truly, if Fr Jack's life was in peril and the enemy would spare him and take me instead, I would do it. Fr Jack can save so many more people than I can through his preaching and ministry

Getting Through the Rough Times

2007-05-08T15:36:00.000-04:00

The past 2 weeks have been really rough. My husband is adjusting to his daytime shift and has quieted down some. In the first few days, he was really angry and took a lot out on me. My son's friend tried to commit suicide last week and that shook our house up. Then Fr Jack found out right before Mass on Sunday that someone he knew committed suicide. He was really upset and it shook him right to his core. I could see it at Mass- I am amazed that he was even able to say the Mass. So I was concerned for him as well.

My counseling session went well today. I talked a lot about all these things. It helps to get all my feelings out in the open. I need to just take everything to God in prayer and offer it all up knowing that He is in control. He will use all these things for His Glory. Even if I don't understand why things happen to me, all I need to know is that He is the Reason for everything. My reason for life is to know, love and serve Him.

Lord, continue to come to me in this time of need. Send the Holy Spirit into my heart to show me what to do. Send Your love and compassion to my family and friends at this trying time. Guide them with Your Graces. Help me to be there for them. Help me to also come to You with my needs and also my praises and thanksgiving for all that You have given to me.

God, You are the Way, Truth and Life. May Mary Our Mother on Earth and Queen of the Rosary intercede for me and come to my assistance in loving and serving You.

All For A Reason

2007-04-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

Everything happens for a reason known only to God. I have come to accept that lately. I just pray to God for acceptance of my cross and to give me some guidance in my life.

My counselor advised me to pray to God for his Loving arms around me. I have been doing that and I hope that He hears me.

Lord, send your Holy Spirit to me in advice and comfort. Help me to live Your will, not mine.